MY ANNOYING LITTLE LAPTOP
why is it that the smartest people i know have all been fooled by the utility of the iPad? it's like they are ignoring all the interface and usability factors that they know so well simply so they can join in some tech lust delusion. it makes me sad for them. for all of us. i mean seriously, listen to reason. let my try to remind you of the things you already know.
TOUCHSCREENS SUCK. minority report fucked everyone up. there is no way that actually moving my hands across a screen is easier than moving a couple fingers on a pad or a mouse. the abstraction of movement is what makes GUIs so amazing. you literally have to move more and use more of your hand and arm to use a touchscreen. that's going backwards. and it's all on a single plane. you can't go INTO it. gaming on an iPad? please. you cant play Call of Duty on a touchscreen. impossible. it's now putting limits on interaction where there used to be none. not to mention the very simple fact that to move the screen and select something on that screen is the same gesture with slight difference in pressure. bad interaction design. dont tell me you havent tried to scroll down a list of songs and accidentally played the one you were trying to skip. you might get better at it. but you shouldnt have to. i think that might be an overarching theme for the iPad.
TYPING SUCKS. this is a sub category of touchscreens suck, but enough to warrant it's own entry. there is no equivalent to a tactile keyboard. each key is its own button, occupies its own real space. i can get all my fingers working at once, using muscle memory and sense to guide me even when my mind doesnt consciously know where the keys are. it's what our hands were supposed to do. typing on a single plane of glass cannot enact the same muscle memories, cannot provide the same definition to our sensing fingertips to accomplish this. iphone typing errors are legendary at this point. and the iPad is only making it worse. typing is still 90% of what we do on our machines and we have made it HARDER not easier. shouldnt usability be going the other direction? you may say, again, that you get used to it but that's the hallmark of shitty interaction design. and a poor excuse. it is not and never will be as good as a tactile keyboard. and that sucks. we're going the wrong way.
HOLDING IT SUCKS. combining the interaction plane with the viewing plane is a major mistake. it means that everything is on one surface. but that's not how we use things. when you want to type on it, you have to lay it flat on a surface and lean your head completely over it looking straight down like a retard. it's a very awkward position. or you have to try and hold it at a tilt and type with one hand - even more awkward. ever try watching a video with someone on it? someone has to hold it, or you both lean over it looking down and bumping heads. or you try to lean it against something that happens to be there - perhaps your real laptop? i am sure there are stands or whatever that you can buy, which only underlies that it is not a complete object and poorly designed. a kickstand for my computer? c'mon. a laptop is self sufficient. you can tilt the screen at any angle and type while looking straight at it, not down. you can lay it on your bed, or the arm of your couch, or you desk and watch it lying down, sideways and never have to hold it up. i took that for granted until i tried to watch an iPad lying down in bed. basically impossible. we have once again retreated from user interface gains. and everyone is all pumped about it?
THE BACKPACK RULE. if i have to carry it in a backpack, it's not really a mobile device. i can take it out and set up almost anywhere, but i need another device to hold it and bring it with me. if it fit in my pocket, that would be different. and by different i mean an iphone. but it doesnt. so the question is... have you replaced your laptop with the ipad? NO. you havent. any iPad owner who is really serious about working and traveling now carries their laptop AND their iPad in their backpack. what? seriously. an iPad is a less powerful, harder to use, harder to hold, harder to type machine that does a lot less, only one thing at a time and it doesnt even have a camera. it's actually not that much smaller than your laptop. the size efficiency is minimal. a couple ounces and an inch. now instead of having that advantage you have added those ounces and those inches to your backpack making it heavier not lighter. craziness. iPAD USERS, YOU ARE GOING BACKWARDS.
so my question is... how did we get here? i know some smart ass motherfuckers... interaction designers, experts in their field that have succumbed completely to this hype. i guess in an arms race, sometimes you lose site of the goal and just start buying more missiles. people do have a techno lust. but technology is supposed to advance us, not retard us. the goal of machines is to do more with less. the iPad is not a machine. it's a bauble. a curio. it belongs in a Brookstone or Sharper Image or the SkyMall. and i guess sometimes these things have a power, a glow to them that seduces, like a massage chair or a pewter civil war chess set. i think these people will snap out of it. i mean eventually that massage chair goes into the guest bedroom and you hang dirty laundry off of it. what are you going to eventually do with your iPad, users?
i actually have an iPad, received it as a gift. and i am very grateful to the gift giver for giving me the opportunity to use it enough to discover that my initial emotions about the iPad were all warranted and then some. i kind of thought when i got one, i might flip, i might get into it. but no. it's worse than i thought. i refuse to have my techno lust overwhelm my usefulness. i refuse to go backwards. i love my laptop. it does everything i need it to do and does it all much better. there is no use for the iPad. i think i am going to leave it on my table, load it up with photos and use it as my personal coffee table book. that seems fine, i guess. it's kinda pretty. shiny. but in the end, a waste.